soft focus

To have steady focus on any one thing, it seems necessary to have the outer picture, the over-structure, the surrounding atmosphere be calm. It seems necessary to have a steady, if static hum around the edges of what I am looking at. In the city we are inundated with so much noise-- so much stimulation, so much sensory overload. I am not advocating a change from this. I am however, with some space and distance from it today, recognizing the fact that I am in motion, that I am changing, and adding to a body of knowledge that is vast. I am allowing myself to be satisfied right now. I am letting myself sink a little more into the sensation of Now, of the present moment. This allows a two-fold effect: access to a realm of listening and accepting, and also the rising up of the many facets that comprise myself-- the many strands and threads of thought that combine to actualize in this moment.

I feel driven, and precise, and ambitious, but I must acknowledge the areas of my life that need this attention. To fill in the cracks and crevices that are blank, to repack soil into the areas where it has crumbled away may take something more akin to compassion than brute force. I may want certain things NOW, or the outside shape of them, but the way towards them is within. I may feel the need to be razor sharp and laden with successive victories, but to truly absorb anything new I need to soften a little. I can set goals that will propel me, I can incorporate chains and ropes of accumulated blood-consciousness, but I have to let these things congeal naturally. I can face everything, but need to inhabit the space around me powerfully, and with intention, with drive and hooked eyes, but also with softness, and laughter.

So, acceding to a sedimentary life, agreeing to a quietness sometimes, feeling grateful, feeling warm, being soft. What a serious and fearful gift it is to have family, to feel family bloodties, to feel the pull and response of friends, to be active, to be acted on, to be loved.